*me sitting down at Zoom meeting*
What’s up y’all? *looks at everyone on screen* Everybody good?
So, how was your day bro?
Now, hearing THAT question sent up immediate warnings. I knew at that point, they ALL had agenda. How do you ask me that when we’ve been texting all day? They knew my day was bad. KNEW IT. They knew I was scared, I’d be fired but I’m being called to a damn Zoom like a kid in trouble.
Well, we’re here to talk about your podcast. What are you doing? Why?
😑🤨 We’re meeting to discuss MY podcast? Did y’all like it?
At THAT point, the floodgates burst open with drama, complaints, disappointments, all the negative stuff. The source of it all is their belief that I shouldn’t do a secondary podcast just because I am different from them. I should work within whatever unexplained parameters they decide to have. MY issue is that neither listens to me. NONE of my co-hosts share my vision. Nobody, including the producer, reads my blog posts. We aren’t the same Tribe, just have the same disease. We don’t treat ourselves the same, don’t follow similar paths, anything.
Yoga & meditation – I’m the ONLY one that does either. Matter fact, we used to do it together but our clocks are soooo different. They’re both LATE risers while I early bird. I’m done by 8am, they start around 2pm CST. EVENTUALLY, I had to stop meeting for the routine sessions because it robbed me of my day. 👀
Time for the podcast – Again, I’m an early bird. A set time of 4pm Saturdays KILLS my vibe! Middle of freaking Saturday? EVERY Saturday? I can’t do family functions because that time is so god awful. And yes, we discussed earlier starts but for different reasons, they can’t do earlier times. 🤦🏾♂️
Medicines/DMTs – Y’all know I don’t do the DMTs, PCPs, specialists, MRIs, nothing. I pop random PAIN pills or my Momma’s anti-inflammatories. I’m NOT interested in doctors, latest research, medical findings, nothing because I can’t afford it. My first medicines gave me side effects and INCREASED my lesions. They like it, love it and want mooooore of it. 🙅🏾♂️
Target Audience – The ultimate endgame is helping others with MS. I’m aiming for Black folks, PPMS, curious about wellness & off-the-reservation treatments. They want ERRRRRRRRbody with a chronic illness. That changes the dynamic and I said, “Yoo. Fine but I don’t wanna moderate then because I talk to US, laugh with US, stories make sense to US. I can’t speak to all MS’ers because we don’t resonate with each other. 🥺
Song – That’s The Way I Feel is my brother’s song. He gifted it to me for the purpose of THIS podcast. Now, it is explicit, profanity laced but fits the show, me, Attitude PERFECT. We hired a producer but he wouldn’t “bleep” the curse words because it wasn’t “possible”. #Whatever but the song was replaced by one of his tracks we had to purchase. 💸
Goal of the show – I’m NOT here for the money, thinking about money, plotting on money. That is the central theme of their interest, making money, larger audience, keep it safe & professional. I can’t say certain words because it may upset other people. I can’t share particular stories because I may offend or upset other people. MEANWHILE, I’m expected to moderate the show with my lingo and essence tied to a freaking, invisible rulebook so as it keep a subset happier and comfortable. 😒
Guests – I explained we shouldn’t even HAVE guests yet. We don’t know each order well enough, bounce ideas smoothly, speak same language. They want guests, guests and more guests. I refuse to contact doctors, nurses, specialists because I don’t use it or them. I’ll jam a personal story but not the medical jargon or constant looks of disapproval at my own story. 😲
Interviews – Like I said, personal stories are interesting and I learn. We discussed who would be interviewed, how long, etc. but disagree again. They want to take careers, regular convos, survival stories and group them all into ONE episode so we can immediately get back to “important people related to medical findings”. Maaaaaaan, BUMP dem professionals and gimme Timple Shirley, 3 kids, MS, still working full-time so we can get DEEEEEP with life and conquering obstacles. That person, Timple Shirley, would get 10-15min and it’d be edited into another episode with regular people. THEIR crowd gets an hour, mine supposed to be grouped. 🤦🏾♂️
Poetry & fun stuff – I got poems about MS but can’t do them on the show because it’d be selfishly promoting myself. I have poetry about the podcast but saaaaaame thing. I’m being selfish. 🤯
My books – DAWG. We supposed to interview an author with MS. I have MULTIPLE books on surviving & thriving beyond MS, short stories, releasing a printed Gratitude Journal this week. I’m excited AF! Buuuuut, I’m promoting myself so I can’t talk about that either. 🤫
Outlaws of MS – The GoFundMe raised enough for a PPMS patient to get $5k worth of certified, licensed nutritionist training, 6mo of that nutritionist’s recommended vitamins and supplements, yoga & meditation with me, GOOD stuff. We’re hoping to go FT non-profit in 2021! Guess what tho? Yup, I can’t mention that because I’m self-promoting. 😠
Cannabis – People got jobs so this is always a sticky subject. 😉🤣🤣 I don’t care about mine enough to hide my usage but I absolutely OVER-stand others’ reluctance. That being said, it’s still another thing we differ on.
We went round and round, back and forth, everybody trying to be cordial until I couldn’t take anymore and said,
“Look. I get it so I’ll be the one to say it. I quit. Y’all think every resistance I showed was too weak. I think y’all don’t listen enough at all. I’ll quit so my actions, books, language don’t mess up what is being built at That’s The Way I Feel. I’m NEVER to ask permission from any of you to do me. I’m not to slow down anything you don’t agree. I’m going to visit OTHER podcasts and pump my achievements. I will discuss cannabis as much as possible and continue ducking negativity by being accountable for myself. I’ll go this way and I wish y’all the best.”
Why BLOCK them?
Easy, I was sold out. After all that, I’m getting text messages about how shocked folks are. Amazed I would step away. Didn’t want to me to step down. Now, they need a co-host AND producer… THAT pisses me off because it was so fake. They sent screenshots of our texts about me editing my podcast by myself, editing the song myself, me saying the producer COULD HAVE done it but whatever because I’ll get better. During this last “meeting” HE kept referring to screenshots of texts about him, insinuating I bad-mouthed him. That’s when my perspective steered towards intentional ambush. The entire conversation shifted and blocked them all. We all have fucking CHRONIC ILLNESSES (damn producer has Cerebral Palsy) yet they’re angry because I have an independent podcast? They’re angry I discuss Multiple Sclerosis on MY podcast. (Honestly, that was stated!) They didn’t feel I should discuss my family’s adventure to Ecuador, managing my disabilities as a team, on MY podcast because I’ll be allowed to talk about it one day on That’s The Way I Feel. Yup, little things, tid bits, pot shots all came back with a rush. I had to block them all for the sake of my sanity and peace.
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