Kendrick Avant

Gratitude Journal Day #616: Saturday, 5/7/22

3.) BM? My Queen introduced ? to my diet to supplement fiber. I was skeptical but on day one, I had a BM. 💥💥💥! Yuuuup, I’m working it today too.

2.) Homie responded to my 9-1-1 – All I said was I’m low bro. Real low. He was there minutes later with cigars and an ear. I got choked up, big tears several times and he never interrupted. Then, he cut my hair to lift my spirits. It worked too. One night down, a lifetime to go.

1.) Today, I breathe different – When I woke up, it just FELT different. My Queen and I had serious discussions about splitting. Again. I’ve FELT her distance, less romance, no flirting, literally nothing. We smile, sleep in same bed, she brings me plates and offers help but that’s it. I can list ways she has adapted to accommodate my needs, speaking to me softer, listening to what I say (by listening, she puts phone, takes ear bud out 😉👏🏽). Still, my needs are ever-growing and be for real, noooooobody wants to be a caretaker AND married to the muthafugga. Especially when the “unfortunate” does NOT have insurance, a job, unemployment, disability, nothing. I appreciate the honesty. Hell, I don’t want anybody feeling forced or obligated to care for me! Not the kids either. I absolutely, truly SEE the pain and pity in others as they help me. It’s fucked up, to BE fucked up, and SEE your fucked up is fucking others up. Friends, family, my own wife and kids are hurting from my presence.

I breathe different in waking and realizing there’s no need to hold back on my healing. I don’t have to hold farts in, scared of losing a lover to being gross. I don’t have risk showers in an effort to spend quality time. No more laying in bed, squeezing a liiiiiiittle extra peace, putting myself behind in work schedule. What meeting am I not available to take? Opportunity to chase? I can get on social media, as needed, to find clients. I’m open for business in more OPEN kinda way.

Previous Gratitude: Friday, 5/6/22

Next Gratitude: Sunday, 5/8/22

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